Crisis Management: When All Else is Failing (?)

We don't often copy and paste private emails, but somehow this wound up in the wrong blackberry. We can't verify whether its real or not, but gee whiz...since it seems like every IR expert across the country has been laid off by their corporate employers, maybe there's something to the approach below?


NEWS ALERT from The Wall Street Journal

The White House's nominee for director of the CIA, Leon Panetta, has earned more than $700,000 in speaking and consulting fees since the beginning of 2008, with some of the payments coming from troubled banks and an investment firm that owns companies that do business with federal national security agencies. Panetta is set to appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee on Thursday about his nomination.

FROM: The Office of The President of The United States

TO:Mr. Mark Murph, CEO LeadershipIQ

Dear Mr. Murphy-

As you can see from yet the latest news story profiling the blunders being made by my SVP of HR, I've decided to fire my current HR director and I'm hoping that you'd be interested in the job?

I thought at first it might have been the job application forms that were being used, but I discovered this morning that nobody was actually even looking at the forms. Probably because we had brought some people over from the SEC to help with the vetting process and review the documents. I'm correcting that issue too; we've offered Harry Markopolos the job of overseeing Mary Shapiro over at SEC.

The good news is that your salary will be capped at $400k, the bad news is we might have to do what my good friend Governor Arnold out in Cali did--i.e. hold off weekly paychecks until the dust clears.

But, you'll have the use of a car and driver, which has been donated to the White House by Tom Daschle. Apparently, just three days before I arrived, auditors here determined that the US Government was actually bankrupt.

Making matters worse, Hank Paulson left here with the keys to not only the executive washroom, but also the keys to the US Mint. So, we're getting by on donations for the time being. Tim G. says he's getting a copy of the key to Mint made just as soon as his Ace Hardware credit card account gets cleared up. If Geithner can't get the problem resolved, I might be forced to bring in Bernie Madoff to raise some short term cash, but I'd need a new HR director to make that decision.

Yes, we've got some serious problems on the HR side of the equation. I need you to help address them. The good news is that morale here is high, its just that the people we've hired, or are trying to hire, are a bit light-headed when it comes to judgment skills.

It might be because the entire White House staff, including the Treasury team had tuned into that CNBC special last week about the marijuana industry...and I'm thinking some of it went to their head, literally. I'm hearing Rachel Maddow is starting to use phrases like "Foggy Heads living in Foggy Bottom " --and if she goes on air with that..well, it could be a national security issue.

And if O'Reilly over at FOX gets wind of this, I might have to reconsider the decision to close Guantanamo Bay and get him a room there.

I've included my blackberry contact info. Only four other people in the world have it. That should illustrate how important it is that I hear from you soon.

Short of getting you to join the team, my only other option is to invade Pakistan, which would serve as a good short-term distraction about what's going on here, but even with oil down at $43 a barrell, Hilary's Mobil card wouldn't cover more than one full tank of gas for the battleship we'd want to sail over there.

Your's truly,

President Barack H. Obama